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How to become a listener

My first thought was that you’re not seeing your interlocutor as someone worth your time and attention. When we have a connection with people, we start to find value in interacting with them, be it the recipient of love, a great story, help with work, whatever, it’s easier to find them to be more worthy of your attention.

Next time You’re going to be seeing someone, think beforehand what it is that you feel about this person, what about this person sparks interest to you, try to find something that will form a connection. And then put in the work to deepen the connection with this person. It’ll help you care more about them and translate into listening better to them.

In my experience, people like you’re describing yourself to be lack the social skills to create and maintain a genuine connection with others. The good news is that social skills are exactly what they’re called: a skill. You can learn to do this and it can become easier.

Now, I suggest doing this with people that you care about, that you want a relationship or friendship with. Screw everyone else. You don’t owe them anything. :)

How to 2

I was raised by a compulsive talker. I think it was mostly born of anxiety on her part. As a result, I became a compulsive talker and a terrible listener.

Now I can't change her, but I certainly could change me. I noticed when I was talking with people that their eyes would glaze over. That was when I realized I had taken more than my share of the conversation. I had to make a concerted effort to watch for it and to edit myself.

Don't get me wrong, it's hard work, but it's doable.

The first thing I do is when I meet someone, or when I see someone, after saying hello is asking, "How are you?". The key is then to listen to their answer. If they don't return the question, don't tell them how you are.

It took work, but I have been told that I'm a good listener, which for me is high praise.

I had to change my outlook on conversation. I decided to find my power not in what I said, but what I didn't say.

You know when you're listening to someone, but you're not really listening, you're just rehearsing what you're going to say? If you focus right, you'll forget what you were going to say. I call that a win.

I actually find pleasure in the fact that I can walk away from a conversation realizing that no one asked me how I was or how things were going. I made it all about them. It's actually quite empowering.

It's also cut way down on the 2:00 a.m. self-flagellations. You know what those are? When you wake up at 2:00 in the morning and think to yourself, "Ooooh my goodness, did I really say that?"

Start small, take pleasure in your wins. You can do this. And I guarantee, the better listener you are, the more likely people will engage you in conversation.

I feel like maybe your eyes are glazing over reading this. So, how are you?

How to 3

Most people listen to respond, not to understand. We're eager to speak as if we're waiting our turn but our turn can't come fast enough. We end up speaking before it's valid, because what we say matters more than their thoughts.

This is wrong. This is not a problem others can't fix for you. You need to do this yourself. Practice staying quiet more. When you're by yourself, focus on your goals, that'll create happiness within you. And the byproduct would be a better social battery. When in a conversation, ask questions like:

Tell me more.
And then what happened?
So if i understand you correctly, this, this, and this happened. And it made you feel this way. Is that right? Is that how you feel? (btw, this one is great with the ladies)
So what are you gonna do now? (great with men)
And how did that make you feel?

And don't forget to look them in their eyes. With a smile behind your own.

The listen and repeat will get you alot of jobs in interviews. I always would listen to their question and assuming it isn't, tell me about yourself, I rephrase it as its own sentence maybe with some inflection to show I'm processing. This is great in a work setting as whoever is speaking to you will feel heard and confident in their message being understood.

People like you more when you let them talk. And people love to talk about themselves. So if we can just learn to listen, it'll be good for both parties, and for the society. I believe the term for that is active listening. Where you engage the other person to make them feel heard and understood. Very useful in dating. It'll set an avg guy leagues apart from competition

LPT Request

My boss once told me that he used to be a guy that would constantly think of the next thing to say while someone was talking to him.

He succeeded in business simply by waiting until the person was finished speaking, then thinking of the next thing to say. That's it, just a few seconds of delay and he suddenly became the greatest listener in all the lands.

Edit: Few more things.

Don't worry if you forget a point that you wanted to make. Think of a conversation like a train. You let the conversation run it's course because, if you try to stop it and go back to somewhere, you end up jarring everything up. If the point was super important, you'll remember it and come back to it when the situation arises.
It really is up to you to be genuinely interested in what someone is saying. This is harder than it sounds, simply put, many people are just boring. They don't interest you or the topic of discussion doesn't interest you. I know, it sucks, but if you care about the person enough, you'll put in the effort.
Remember to bounce the conversation back. "Is that a new shirt?" "Yes it is, thank you for noticing! I got it at Macys. Do you like to shop in department stores or online?" "Oh definitely department stores, I always need to try things on!"

Then next time you have to shop, suggest a department store, mention how much you like to try things on before you buy them. Now you just accomplished two goals. The person talked about him/herself, which everyone likes to do, and you found two things about them which you can then either relate or not relate to.

Remember, be earnest, and regulate yourself consciously in conversations if you want to improve your listening skills.